Lack of selfishness

Time goes by and you get to understand more about yourself. You realize who and how you actually are at moment. You see.

Every treatment has its addiction, but the real problem is you know you became immune. Your nightmares became your reality, you lose grip on what was your life...It's hard.

You search other methods, other ways you to hide from this hell your reality became. You desperately want to be cured, to find a way out, a solution, there aren't any left.

You can't take it anymore, you want a way out, you only see one, the quick escape...

You think about logging out of this world, you want it so bad, you have already picked it. If it's ending, at least you will end it your way.

But then, faced to that sweet moment of serenity when you accept the faith you chose for yourself, you start feeling something...It's that dark sensation, the one who brought you here in the first place...

That damned love for the ones around you...How can you leave and find peace knowing that you leave such an amount of grief, when you know that each year they will think about what you did that day?

I can't find my peace. I won't find my peace. I prefer to live this cursed life just so you won't cry, so you'll be happy.
Like each hell, mine has its own eternal punishment:

• I'll live, you'll live.
• I'll have my torments, you'll not know. 
• I'll share them with you, you'll not believe maybe you'll even mock them. 
• I'll joke about it, you'll laugh.
• I'll smile, you'll smile.
• I'll swallow my sorrow, you'll not know. 

• I'll be alone, you'll have me... I'll be alone, but you, you'll have me.

...and this is my no longer bent, but now broken world.