For you

For you who randomly thought of me in my moment of distress.

You took the time to get to know me again, to spend time with me, to take the hard way and be my friend. You who listen to my pain, who helped my out and became my salvation.

Summer came at last and I am up. I can return the favor, help you like you did when spring began. Because you, knowingly or not, gave me another bucket of reasons to remain here, you knew I'll come out of my cocoon and spread my wings.

For you who took my hand in my first flight and taught me to rely on my powers and learn how to accept yours.

To you, I say thank you.

Lack of selfishness

Time goes by and you get to understand more about yourself. You realize who and how you actually are at moment. You see.

Every treatment has its addiction, but the real problem is you know you became immune. Your nightmares became your reality, you lose grip on what was your life...It's hard.

You search other methods, other ways you to hide from this hell your reality became. You desperately want to be cured, to find a way out, a solution, there aren't any left.

You can't take it anymore, you want a way out, you only see one, the quick escape...

You think about logging out of this world, you want it so bad, you have already picked it. If it's ending, at least you will end it your way.

But then, faced to that sweet moment of serenity when you accept the faith you chose for yourself, you start feeling something...It's that dark sensation, the one who brought you here in the first place...

That damned love for the ones around you...How can you leave and find peace knowing that you leave such an amount of grief, when you know that each year they will think about what you did that day?

I can't find my peace. I won't find my peace. I prefer to live this cursed life just so you won't cry, so you'll be happy.
Like each hell, mine has its own eternal punishment:

• I'll live, you'll live.
• I'll have my torments, you'll not know. 
• I'll share them with you, you'll not believe maybe you'll even mock them. 
• I'll joke about it, you'll laugh.
• I'll smile, you'll smile.
• I'll swallow my sorrow, you'll not know. 

• I'll be alone, you'll have me... I'll be alone, but you, you'll have me.

...and this is my no longer bent, but now broken world.

Broken thoughts

And so the summer dreams crumble, reality kicks in and we find ourselfs in a black and white world, where everything is forbitten, everything is hidden...

A short time of careless happiness numbs a bent soul. Healing it requires a longer process, that if we are lucky enough to find the right treatment. I've found mine.But my luck has its limits...
My way out of this bottomless pit was interrupted by the intervention of a mind sicker than mine, a broken soul that can't find a way to cure itself. The blackness of its sorrow envies my road to happiness. The same blackness forces it to block my way out, if it can't escape its own misery, why remain alone, why let me find inner peace, why help me liberate myself? Doesn't it know that once out, I would break the gates of its hell and drag it into my happiness, drag it near me to enjoy the warmth of the sun and the joys of life?

And so you start to think again...

You realize that the comfort you had from your treatment wasn't enough. Until you're fully healed, your salvation is your drug.
I like this drug. Although I know I've become an addict, although I need a 72 hours fix every 24 hours, I like this drug. As any other, this one too might have results or side effects. The result would be unconditional happiness, trust, learning to feel again... An aftereffect would be bending me harder or even breaking me, sending me deeper in a world of self inflicted pain... Not physical pain, that would be merciful  but the worse kind of pain, the mental one.

And so I remember my short anodyne happiness, the sensation of allowing myself to feel again.

I am willing to take my chance on this drug, I am willing put myself in another of life's roulette game... Even if my odds are small, at least I'll know I tried, I'll go to sleep at night sobbing, but I'll know I tried...


And so you stop, and so I stop to think again...